If you’re from the Midwest, you probably understand how hard it can be to make a quick exit at an event. Once you feel like you need to leave, no matter if you’re just tired and want to go home, or have some place to be, you’re not getting out of there in a timely manner. It feels like you need to say goodbye to everyone, and these goodbyes often last way too long. People start up new conversation, or maybe you feel like you need to have a valid excuse, either way, we need a new system.

Now your Midwestern politeness probably makes you feel bad for getting annoyed by these long, drawn-out goodbyes. Tell that voice in your head to shut the fuck up.
We have a solution.

The Midwestern Goodbye

Midwesterners are known for our politeness, which is normally a good thing, but when it comes to an efficient departure it can be a little frustrating.

Pros

  • You feed into your Midwestern politeness and don’t feel guilty on the drive home

Cons

  • The goodbyes can make you very late for the next event you have
  • While trying to leave, someone or some topic you’ve been avoiding might pop up
  • You might get roped into staying for some tradition that’s going to happen at the party (having dessert, dancing, singing, etc.) This not only makes you stay longer, but forces you to participate with a smile, and have to start your goodbyes all over again once it’s over

The Irish Goodbye

There are many other names for this type of goodbye – “French Exist”, “Dutch Leave”, or the “Houdini”, but these are all the same thing – leaving somewhere without telling anyone.

Pros

  • You get to leave whenever you feel like it
  • You’ll avoid any unwanted conversations that might come up as a last-ditch effort when they try to guilt you into staying
  • If it’s a large event and you drove there, you can leave without getting tangled in the clusterfuck of people who are also trying to leave

Cons

  • You might offend the host a little

How the Midwestern Goodbye can go Wrong…

I was invited to a party by one of my old coworkers. I didn’t really want to go, but I hadn’t seen her in a while, so I figured I’d stop by after work. It was a lowkey but catered party, and I got to chat with some cool people. When I felt like I had been there long enough, I tried to say my goodbyes to everyone I had met there. A lot easier said than done. Read MoreOne girl I tried to say goodbye to kept trying to introduce me to her friends she came with. This other group I met tried to convince me to stay and have another drink, and one guy wouldn’t stop talking about his new car. It took me about an hour and a half before I found a way to leave. When I got home, my dog didn’t greet me like she normally does. I went looking for her found her laying in the kitchen, surrounded by ripped up chocolate wrappers. She wasn’t breathing so I took her to the vet, who confirmed she passed away. I can’t help but think if I was home just an hour earlier, my best friend would still be alive. Read Less

Elise Donnery, 34
From Grand Marais, Minnesota

I’m from the Midwest and I moved away for a reason. Every time I go home for the holidays I have to deal with their overly polite social rules. Normally it’s just annoying, but one Thanksgiving it went too far… Read MoreMy entire family and I were at my aunt’s house for dinner, and it was honestly nice to see everyone. I had to wake up early the next morning for an important job interview. My friend hooked me up with the opportunity and he said I was a shoe in as long as I showed up on time. I knew I had to leave right after dinner before Aunt Joan brought out the drinks. I couldn’t risk missing the interview or being too hungover. I told everyone before dinner when and why I had to leave early, and they were all very understanding. However, when the time came to leave, I was getting drink after drink pushed on me. I felt like I couldn’t say no because each person who handed me a drink guilted me into staying and having “just one more”. As you can probably guess, I spent the night on my aunt’s couch and didn’t wake up until 1pm – three hours after my interview. That Thanksgiving was two years ago and I’m still unemployed. Read Less

Jimmy Callhune, 29
From Le Claire, Iowa

I was at a family reunion, and I had a great time! However, it was getting late, and I was tired so I called an uber. As I was going around saying goodbye to everyone, my cousin Gerrie came up to me and asked if I was leaving. I said I was, and she began asking me – or rather telling me – what politics I believe in. Read MoreGerrie is the black sheep of the family when it comes to politic and is very vocal about it. We try not to give into her and just nod along, but tonight was different. I’m not sure if it was the wine I had or my level of exhaustion, but I was so angry at the things she was saying I began to argue back. Apparently, everyone else was as fed up as I was and saw this as a chance to get in their opinion. Some family members actually took Gerrie’s side, I guess they were too scared to tell us the family how they felt before. The entire family became divided, arguing with one another about this and that. I was able to sneak out in the chaos, but my mom told me it got so bad that now we’re not allowed to speak to half of the people. It’s a real shame because I loved them, no matter their political views, but now I feel I can’t talk to them again because Gerrie HAD to bring politics up as I just trying to leave. Read Less

Sadie Rohdes, 25
From Janesville, Wisconsin

Give Your Irish Goodbye Some Midwestern Politeness

The only downfall of the Irish Goodbye is if you’re doing it at a very Midwestern event, you might rub the host the wrong way. If you feel bad about this, fucking don't. It’s honestly their issue, not yours. However, if your Midwestern kindness is still handicapping you, we have a solution.

Fill out the form below to generate a thank you message that you can send directly to the host of the event. In a matter of minutes, you’ll have a curated message that has customized messages and fits your desired tone.

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Do you feel the need to acknowledge that you left without saying goodbye?

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Wow you're really Midwestern... You must want to give them an exuse then too huh.

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Go ahead you bastard.

Here you go. Happy?

Hey ,

Thanks for inviting me to the absolutely .

Sorry I left without saying goodbye, it wasn't really my cup of tea. Sorry I left without saying goodbye, I think something that was served at the upset my stomach a little. The location for the was interesting... Probably not what I would've chosen, but either way it looks like it worked out. You looked great by the way, I can really tell how much time and effort it takes for you to look presentable!
Hopefully we'll see each other again soon, maybe over drinks? Haha I know I'd need one next time we see each other!

With much love,

Hi ,

Hope your day is going well! I had a time at your .

Sorry I didn’t get a chance to say goodbye, I didn’t want to interrupt the . Sorry I didn’t get a chance to say goodbye, I wasn’t feeling too well and figured I should get home and get some rest. The location for the could not have been more perfect, you really know how to plan a good time. You looked great (as always) though, I don’t know how you do it!
Hope to see you again soon!

—

Hello !!

I hope you're having a beautiful day! I just wanted to reach out and tell you how much of a time I had at your !

I have been feeling so gosh darn guilty about leaving without saying goodbye! I truly had such a wonderful time, and I didn't want you to think I felt any different. I have been feeling so gosh darn guilty about leaving without saying goodbye. See what happened was I was eating some of that delicious food, and wouldn't you know it, I spilled it all over myself! I was so embarrassed, I figured I'd go home real quick, change clothes, and come back. However, when I got home, I realized the stain was starting to set and it needed to be cleaned right away. By the time I got that dang stain out and changed into new clothes, I figured the was already over. Anyway, I hope you can accept my sincerest apologies! The location for the was absolutely superb! I couldn't have planned it better myself. You looked great (as always) though, I was chattin' with everyone there about how you always look so put together!
Hope to ya again soon!!

Kindly,

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